Beauty from Within

March 15th, 2010 by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D., Licensed Psychologist/Life Coach

Beauty from Within

 

By

Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D.

 Life beyond the age of 35 is a time of growth, renaissance, confidence building, and self-exploration. With an unstable job market, and kids in school or moving out of the home, there is increasing time available for looking inward and reflecting upon what we really want.  After focusing so much on nurturing others, it is imperative that we make time to nurture ourselves.

While some women fret about the loss of their prior “svelt” youthful selves (a  younger version with unwrinkled skin, flat stomach, a body unfettered with aches, pains or cellulite, high energy and perfect memory), others focus on fulfilling put-off dreams, seeking new adventures, and taking risks to stretch themselves in new ways.   We can choose not to panic about declining looks and use midlife as a wake-up call to face challenges, make the best of today and tomorrow and find deeper meaning and beauty in our lives.

There is no shame in trying to remain young-looking and beautiful on the outside.  Caring for ourselves and our appearance shows self-respect and is important.  Some women, however, focus only on their outer appearance and seem to lose sight of their more important, deeper inner beauty.  Women who grab life at every stage to make the best of what is without worrying so much about appearance are far more self-accepting, joyous and truly happy.  Ironically, these are the women that radiate the most exquisite beauty, no matter what they look like on the outside!

Women have been programmed to stay forever young, perky, and thin to be considered beautiful, desirable and acceptable to others through years of advertisements for products and services that help fight against aging. Who doesn’t want to look their best?  But what happens when standards are set that are not realistic?  What happens when things go to far?  We have all seen the aftermath of too many plastic surgeries making beautiful women look alien or robotic.  Not all of us are airbrushed in photos or can afford personal trainers, cooks and plastic surgeons to tweak our outsides.  Finally, an obsession with outer appearance can grow quite unhealthy as evidenced by high rates of addiction, divorce, suicide and eating disorders among the rich and famous.   

A much healthier approach to self-confidence is to accept ourselves for our souls, not just our looks.  We need to eradicate the inner critic that makes us too self-conscious to walk out of the house without wearing make-up or being dressed to the nines. Instead, we need to focus more on what we have inside.  When we travel, a strong suitcase is needed to carry and protect the more important things we pack inside.   We need to take in things that create a strong outer suitcase and speak out to be heard and respected for our intelligence, our wisdom and our creative gifts inside.

Strong self-esteem requires that we know and accept our selves.  It requires feeling prepared for whatever comes our way;  being able to adapt, be flexible, face forward, accept truth, look for the good in the present and not compare today with yesterday.  We love ourselves, not for our outer beauty, but for our growing wisdom that we are unique and need no special conditions to be loved.  It is out birthright.  We get stronger as we recognize crises as opportunities, use emotional and physical pain as life’s lessons, let go of regrets, and stay connected to others in our community and give ourselves to a cause outside of ourselves.  We gain confidence when we walk our own walk and trust our judgment and decisions.

 Knowing ourselves requires quiet time to face feelings, thoughts and conflicts that get in our way.  When we take time to know what we really want in life, we can be true to ourselves and live our lives congruently.  Doing what we enjoy and believe in keeps our spirit young at heart.  When we come to know that we are special and loveable just for being who we are, we automatically resonate with our beauty from within and reflect our beauty outwardly!

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 ­­­This article was written by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, Psychologist and speaker in W. Bloomfield, MI.  Visit Dr. Sills’s web site at:  www.BuildAStrongerYou.com or www.DrLSills.com or call her at: (248) 788-4230.

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Who’s Wedding Is This Anyway?

March 15th, 2010 by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D., Licensed Psychologist/Life Coach

Who’s Wedding Is This Anyway?

by

Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D.

(February 14, 2010)

 Your wedding is your dream-come-true.  It represents your decision to devote your love and merge your life with another.  It’s your time to shine as Princess for the day!  This ceremony paves the road to your future.  That’s why it’s vital to infuse it with special meaning and maintain your integrity.

While most people make smart choices about walking down the aisle, some get wrapped up with excitement and lose focus.   With so many fairy tales ending with, “They get married and live happily ever after,” who wouldn’t dream to get married?  Being a gorgeous bride in a wedding fantasized for a lifetime is compelling. It’s easy to get caught in the Princess Phenomenon and lose sight of whom and why you are marrying.  Be sure you don’t fall victim to this trap. 

Too many women say, “I knew I shouldn’t have married him.”  “I walked down the aisle knowing I was making a mistake.” If you have any doubts about your motives, love, honesty or his, don’t let your plans dictate your life.  It gets increasingly harder to exit as more non-refundable money is spent, invitations are sent, gifts are received, and your wedding day approaches.  We’ve all heard of “runaway” brides or grooms leaving their mate at the altar.  Tragic as it seems, this is far less hurtful than to marry and divorce.   While aborting a wedding is very painful and scary, it is far less costly and destructive in the long run.  It takes courage and integrity to exit when it’s not right.

It’s best to examine your motives long before your wedding day.  Know yourself well.  Some women use marriage as their “ticket out” of a painful situation.  Some are so hungry for love that they say yes to the first person who loves them.  Some are afraid to be alone.  Be sure you love and respect yourself and your mate.  Exploring your feelings with both your spiritual leader and a mental health professional is smart.  They can illuminate blind spots and help protect you from making unwise choices.  If you are sure of your mate, focus on making your wedding day special.

 Don’t let the planning become a “runaway train” such that it becomes bigger than what it represents or a big source of conflict for you.   Be sure to include your mate and decide what you both want.    Parents who pay for your wedding may feel it is their right to make your wedding how they want.  Don’t be afraid to discuss your own needs and wishes. It is possible to appreciate and respect those who pay for your wedding and assert boundaries that protect your wedding dreams.  Beware of those who create their own agendas which interfere with your plans.  Trying to please everyone is overwhelming, not to mention impossible!  Seek support to set limits, minimize conflict, learn proper etiquette and tactfully prevent wedding messes. 

This is your ceremony.  It represents your commitment to each other and should be filled with special meaning for each of you.  Enjoy your day.  Celebrate your love. Best wishes for a long, joyous life together!

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This article is written by Dr. Laurel Sills, Licensed Psychologist in West Bloomfield, MI.  You can reach her at (248) 788-4230 and learn more about her at her web site: www.BuildAStrongerYou.com.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Beating the Blues of A Broken Heart: A Valentine’s Day Bulletin

January 11th, 2010 by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D., Licensed Psychologist/Life Coach

Many of the following questions were recently asked of me. Some questions have been modified. Here are my answers:

As Valentine’s Day approaches, single people often get the blues. What advice would you give to someone who has recently broken off a relationship when it comes to getting through this romantic day?
“It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” is the popular quote. We all need to remind ourselves that we are richer for loving than staying alone and isolated. Love means risk. We all get hurt when it does not last. View Valentine’s Day as just another day. Make yourself, your friends and your relatives the object of your affection for this day. Pamper yourself. Be giving to others. Don’t envy everyone else who is in a relationship. We don’t know how healthy their relationships are anyway! Allow yourself to have whatever feelings you have without pushing them away.”

Are gay and lesbian breakups any different to cope with than heterosexual relationships? If so, why?
“Whether gay, lesbian or heterosexual, we are all people, and loss is very painful. The feelings we experience over loss are the same. The only difference between us is the sex of our partners. We all need social ties and intimate relationships to thrive. Gay and Lesbian men and women may struggle more since many people don’t understand or accept homosexuality. A gay, lesbian or bisexual person may get less overall empathy about the loss of a same-sex mate. There are also fewer mates to chose from for future relationships due to being a relatively small minority.”

After a break-up, it is often common for one or both partners to attempt to patch things up and reunite due to feeling lonely without the other. Is this a good idea?
“Is it better to make a clean break? There are no pat answers. I think it is best to do what you need to do as part of the working through phase. One who goes back out of fear, insecurity, or uncertainty about letting go is in the process of learning to move on. Some people can cut ties and go forward while others need to relive some of the reasons why the relationship was not good for life. The only time it is essential to cut ties completely is if there is abuse. When a relationship poses physical danger to oneself, one’s children, one’s pets or property, get out and stay out. This is much harder done than said. Professional help can support you through this transition.”

How do you know when it’s over?
“It is over when your gut says it is over. To double check, you may try to talk to your mate or try couple’s therapy. Typically, your gut rules! Listen to it! When your heart still loves, try to resolve issues. When your heart is cold, something is wrong. Most of the time, the heart takes time to go from hot to cold. That is when it is best to talk openly to your partner about concerns, feelings, and desires. Don’t wait until ice is present or it will likely be too late.”

Does getting back together after a break-up work?
“No one likes to be alone for long. After breaking up, it is easy to remember only the good times. After all, if we just recalled the bad times, no one would pine for their mate or be tempted to go back. It is important to recall all of the relationship issues; good and bad. Put the relationship into perspective with your life goals, your overall feelings and comfort level when with that person, and use your intellect to moderate your emotions. Love can be blind and stupid when making permanent commitments or legally binding decisions! Usually, if there were good solid reasons for breaking up before, going back to the same situation unchanged will not be a good idea. It will only repeat the pattern.”

Are there differences between the ways in which men and women cope with a break-up?
“Generally speaking, very generally speaking, men are socialized to act and not feel. They are “mis-socialized” to believe that crying is weak. Therefore, men may often act to go date, stay active all the time and do anything to just not feel their emotions. Women, however, typically cry, emote, get emotional support from the friends and don’t jump into new dating relationships as quickly (Again, I am generalizing). For both, true coping means assimilating the loss into our psyche, accepting it, understanding the necessity for it and then, moving on to new romantic relationships!”

Revenge is often a reaction to being dumped. Can you offer advice on revenge?
“Revenge is a childish, highly immature response to hurt that cries out, “See how it feels to you!” Absolutely NOTHING positive comes out of it! Revenge is the manifestation of a lot of pain which gets disguised unconsciously as anger. It is best to talk about your hurt, your anger and write about it than to act on it. You can fantasize about revenge, but never act on it. It will only make you feel worse about yourself in the long run. Mature people know that losing a relationship is not always about rejection. It is a reality of life. We can love many people, but can pair off for life with very few.”

Is there a predictable process or time-frame for working through a break-up?
“Everyone is unique and needs to take whatever time they need to grieve. If one cannot stop obsessing about their loss and cannot focus on much else, professional help can get them through the impasse. Typically, as Elizabeth Kubler-Ross designated, there are stages of grief that include shock, depression, anger, bargaining, and acceptance. These stages need not be in order or all inclusive. For long-term partnerships, a year is typically needed to resolve all issues and make it through the anniversary effects of significant occasions spent together. Plan an hour a day to purposely mourn your relationship. After an hour is up, do whatever you feel like, including more mourning.”

Finally, what about dating again? How soon? What are the pitfall of dating immediately after a break-up?
“Each of us is different in the intensity of love and pain we feel and the time we need before dating again. The key for healthy future relationships is to resolve the pain and anguish fully to be fair to yourself and to any new person you date romantically. It is best that one is comfortable being alone, likes oneself, and understands how he/she contributed to what went wrong in the last relationship. We need to know ourselves well to know what we want and need in a relationship with another. Only two strong and healthy people make a good relationship.”
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This article is written by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, licensed clinical psychologist who does EMDR and short-term therapy for adult individuals and couples in West Bloomfield, Michigan. Dr. Sills can be reached through email at BuildAStrongeru@aol.com or by phone during normal business hours at (248) 788-4230. Visit her Web Site at www.DrLSills.com or at www.Buildastrongeryou.com and enjoy the valuable information she provides you.

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Holidays and Non-Denominational Being

November 24th, 2009 by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D., Licensed Psychologist/Life Coach

I am Jewish. Christmas is always weird. I get lonely and want a tree and all the excitement that Christmas brings to the majority of our country which is made up of non-Jews.

Hanukkah is not as exciting to celebrate and has far less hooplah, but does represent a very important message in history. We light a Menorah and make Potato Pancakes to remember the miracle of leftover oil in yet another historical victory to defend our Jewish heritage and celebrate another victory of protecting our right to believe in one God. Hanukkah celebrates the miracle of a small amount of oil needed to keep the Everlasting Light which represents God burning constantly which was predicted to last for far less than a day yet burned for eight days straight. The buring light represents ONE GOD and the constant burning of that one light reminds us of God’s constant presence. When the Greeks or Romans or whoever tried to annihilate us and ransack the temple and destroy us as a people once again, the Jewish people survivied.

Being Jewish, a minority and from a religion that pushes education, strength, culture, respect and philanthropy, I always make sure whomever I bring into my life is open to Jewish people, not an someone who erroneously believes “Jews killed Christ,” that we are sinners for not believing in Christ as the Son of God and the figure to be worshiped when we worship God, and that we all have horns or will die and go to Hell.

As a person of self-identity, I have always struggled with any religious doctrine that divides, sound arrogant, separates or demands a certain way of thinking and behaving that excludes others who uphold good values as people. Long ago, I gravitated to the belief we are all of the same potential and can develop our gifts and strengths in great ways or harmful ways pending on how we chose to live our lives. We all have spirit…there is something bigger than our self out there and we are all equal at birth. Culturally, I like Jewish humor, Jewish strength, brains and the tendency to not drink much as a culture. This by no means suggests that other cultures do not value the very same things.

At Christmas, I want to decorate trees for the fun and creativity of it…..but I don’t believe that Christ is the only “Son of God.” I am just as much a “daughter of God” as Christ is the son of God, yet have not disciplined myself to be the great leader that Christ, Ghandi, Buddah or others have been. We all have God-given potential to act and behave in great ways when we consistently focus and tap into this. We are all capable of great feats when we aim to be our Best, most God-like Self. Being loving, giving, forgiving and as God-like as possible is my constant goal to work towards. This does not fit any one religious following. I believe that most folks who practice this, regardless of what religious background they were born into, agree with this philosophy when they are being their most loving best self.

I have run into anti-Semitism directly and more than a few times in my own life. It comes from lack of interaction with Jewish people and lack of knowledge and exposure in the world. It comes from stereotyping and generalizing. I seek to educate folks who make assumptions out of ignorace or naivete, and seek to find people who want to learn more about Jews, and understand our heritage. I want to educated people to not say, “I Jewed them down” when bargaining for things, respect us and our constant fight to love one God, stand up for what we believe in and recognize that we are the religion that created the foundation for Christianity Judeo-Christian values.

I don’t fit into a particular box of sameness unless that sameness includes love of people, understanding, open-mindedness, spirituality, zest for life and a childlike awe of the gifts life subtly brings us  each day. It is not an easy task for me or for any of us to remain positive under stress, to keep cool when afraid, to stay the course when afraid and lost, but this is the guiding star upon which to focus. Certainly, I am human and falter. I do not always keep my focus. But, that light shines brightly and continueously recalls my attention to focus on this purpose and accept my flaws and get up each day and start anew.

Spiritual, open minded, Buddhist-like and loving. Accepting, understanding, nurturing, forgiving. These are the qualities that have no religious “home” per se. They belong to all of us creatures in this universe.
I prefer to be high on life, honest, not controlled by compulsuions and to enjoy my connection to life and others who want to enjoy it in a similar way.

I am not always a “practicing Jew” in the traditional sense, but I am so in the spiritual, birth-rite,heritage and family sense. I see myself as “Laurie” and desire to join all folks in the worldly and secular sense who are wandering along in wonderment; seeking others who think in similar ways.  Like the Wandering Jew plant….reaching, growing, always changing and thrives when nurtured and loved.  Real love does not come in any one demonination!

I wish you all the best and brightest Light and Joy for this holiday spiritual time.

Laurie
Life Coach, Psychologist, Growth Seeker, Wandering Jew, Person along the same path as you

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Parenting Our Parents

November 10th, 2009 by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D., Licensed Psychologist/Life Coach

Parenting Our Parents

By

Dr. Laurel A. Sills –What’s on Your Mind?

 Increasingly sophisticated medical technology has led people to live much longer lives.

As aging people live longer, there are also more problems to cope with and families often need to be relied upon more for support.

 As many of us reach our 40’s through 60’s, we face a painful process of recognizing the mortality and limitations of our selves and our parents.  The emotional hurdles we jump include accepting our own aging and loss of carefree activity; facing our life and accepting responsibility for our choices; letting go of our own children as they grow independent; and learning to parent our parents.  None of these are not easy tasks.  The most sobering and difficult of them tends to be having to parent our parents.

 As children, our parents are everything.  They are god-like creatures that seem omnipotent and omniscient.  We look to them for security, acceptance, validation, advice and support.  When we disagree with them, we know they will still love us.  When we rebel against them, we still know where they stand.  They are the anchors.  No matter what they say, there is some sense of stability in knowing their position, even if we disagree with or ignore them. Knowing their stand helps us identify ourselves more.  As our parents begin to have medical problems that affect their bodies and minds, we cannot rely upon them for validation, support, advice or protection because they may not be able to give us these things due to their own deficits. Despite our being independent for a long time, it still  hits hard that we are truly alone to rely upon ourselves.

 We face the scary reality that our parents are fragile and cannot be here for us forever. We must take care of the needs of ourselves, our children, and be there for our parents, too, as they become increasingly more dependent upon our physical, emotional, mental and possible financial support. 

 Psychologically, we have to stop expecting them to meet our needs. Whatever our parents were not able to give us by now, they likely never will. We have to accept this reality, grieve the losses and be thankful for whatever strengths and resources our connection to them has brought to us. This will make taking care of their needs much easier for us.

 Watching our parents grow older, suffer aches and pains and lose their abilities to function fully is very difficult.  Not only are we feeling out of control and helpless over what happens to them, we also begin to view our own future as “elderly people.”  We watch them struggle with their own sense of worth, dignity and identity as they are aware of their limitations and difficulties accepting the losses in their own lives.  When parents are stricken with strokes or Alzheimer’s Disease or some other type of disease process which makes their intellectual functioning decline, we lose our “real parents” and are left only with hints of their personalities now and then as their cognitive capacity waxes and wanes.  This is incredibly difficult because many of us are reluctant to grieve and mourn someone who is alive.  Yet, in these circumstances, the true personality and person is often gone.  We need to grieve and talk about the loss of our parents even when their bodies may remain relatively intact.  We miss their soul; their wisdom, their personality and their mind.  It is okay to mourn the loss of each part of them.

 It is typical to grieve losses in stages.  Kubler-Ross, a Psychiatrist, long ago identified five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance (Not necessarily in that order).  We may go through these stages many times with each change in our parent’s health or when anticipating the loss of them.  While these stages are truly difficult, we can gain strength in ourselves, learn to be more loving and caring people, and give back to our parents.

 Life’s lessons are difficult.  There is no doubt about it.  One process that will make this whole phase of life easier, however, is called Internalization.  As infants, we begin the process of internalizing our parents and caregivers.  We learn that we are loved even if our parents are not in our presence.  We learn lessons, values, love and self-worth from them and we keep these within us from that point on.  As we lose our parents, we will always hold onto them…for they will be with us always deep inside our heart and soul.  Thank you parents for all that you have given, sacrificed and taught us and for all the love that you have shown us.

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This article is written by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, a Licensed Psychologist and Life Coach who works primarily with adults and couples.  She is interested to hear, “What’s On Your Mind?”  Your questions, comments and ideas for this and other articles are always welcome. You can reach Dr. Sills by phone during normal business hours at (248) 788-4230 and visit her web site at:  www.DrLSills.com.

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After A Marital Affair

November 10th, 2009 by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D., Licensed Psychologist/Life Coach

After the Affair

By Dr. Laurel A. Sills, Licensed Clinical Psychologist

 

One of the most devastating times in a marriage is when one partner learns that the other partner has had or is having an affair.  Affairs drive people to enter psychotherapy, to get a divorce, to become aggressive and vindictive, to become depressed or suicidal, or to go into emotional and/or physical crises.

 

Whether you believe it or not, most affairs are not the result of one “bad” partner acting out to “have their cake and eat it, too.”  Typically, there are marital problems of communication and intimacy that are present long before the affair takes place.  The exception is someone with a history of acting out and not being committed to an intimate relationship even before one gets married.  (People do not change behaviors just because they get a marriage license.)  Drifting emotional and sexual intimacy typically occur before one partner goes out of the marriage to find these missing ingredients.  This is not to suggest that the partner who keeps fidelity is at fault.

 

 Both partners tend to ignore signs of problems for a while before the affair happens. Often, one partner deals with stress by minimizing, avoiding and denying.  If there are changes in a relationship where the other partner is noticeably distant, lacking interest in sex, not wanting to talk about feelings and problems, going to bed early, changing work hours and staying away longer, there is often a problem.  Neither partner talks about these changes. Both make excuses for them rather than face them. Both partners typically overtly or covertly allow the demise of their own healthy communication.  They stop sharing feelings and fears and don’t problem-solve in a complimentary way.  All people involved in the affair contribute to a degree.  Simply blaming the person acting out is not a very mature or realistic way to look at a marital affair.

 

Many couples fear rocking the boat by confronting problems.  This lack of talking about what is bothering either partner only increases the chances of one partner taking the problems to an outside party.  All affairs could be avoided if even the most painful topics are talked about for the love of the relationship.  Love may still be there, but not a desire for physical or emotional intimacy.  Ironically, one person  fears hurting the other by saying what is causing distance, but they are  willing to risk  hurting  their partner far worse by having an affair. The cost of this affair is guilt, hurt to one’s partner, children, extended family and friends, and potential dissolution of the marriage.

 

Affairs feel exciting.  They are new.  They provide a high.  They are an escape.  They give one person what is missing from their marriage.  But, the affair is a false picture of reality.  Most often, the affair relationship is on borrowed time. It is not a day to day intimate relationship that includes problem-solving and commitment.  It is a pseudo-safe place for pseudo-intimacy. It temporarily provides the needed attention, excitement and changes to a partner who is bored, afraid, hurt, lonely and afraid to deal with the reality in his or her primary relationship. When caught, the marriage will go into major crisis.  It either will begin to repair itself (typically with professional help), or it will die.

As with any major crisis, there is the potential for great opportunity.  The Chinese Yin and Yang is the symbol for crisis and opportunity.  It may not be readily apparent, but there is a chance to grow both personally and as a couple as a result of the affair.  Affairs force denial to end.  They force the couple to look at the source of the problems that led to the affair.

 

If a couple can talk openly about what led the person to act out, they can begin to heal.  This must be done without blame.  Certainly, the person acting out had a chance to say what he or she was unhappy about in the relationship before acting out.  If this did not occur, there was no way for the other partner to work on making changes in the relationship.

 

Oftentimes, those couples who still love one another and want to stay married, can overcome the pain of the affair and regain trust.  This process is very painful and difficult, but can be done.  Honestly appraising how each partner contributed to the emotional distance in the relationship is the first step in getting closer.  Looking at family of origin issues as they affect each partner’s ability to communicate intimately is another step.  Being totally honest and expressing feelings in a respectful way is vital in the rebuilding and repairing process.  Both partners must listen to the pain and the hurt that the other partner feels and felt in the past.  This process takes a long time and may feel like a roller coaster of emotions at first.

 

 The affair must end for any potential marital repair..  No marriage has a chance if one person continues to siphon energy from the marital relationship to an outside party.  This will not be easy for the one involved to let go of the outside party.  It involves grieving the loss of the friend, lover and emotional connection.  This is a choice that must be made if one wants their marriage to work.  The marital couple learns to be friends.  They learn to hear each other’s pain, hurts, needs, struggles and dreams.  They learn that the affair is not necessarily an indication of one person’s inadequacies.  They learn to be strong as individuals, not just as a partner in a relationship. 

 

Take your marriage to therapy before you act out.  This is much easier than repairing broken trust after an affair.  If it is too late, tell the truth and get help with the fallout.  It could be the beginning of a better relationship for both of you together.  I have seen many couples work through an affair successfully.  It is possible to  learn more about yourselves as people and grow closer as a couple as a result of understanding what happened and why.  Be honest.  Be courageous.  Know that the consequence of your  affair may risk the loss of your marriage whether you tell your spouse or someone else does. You need not lose all your integrity just because you had an affair.

 

This article was written by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, a Fully Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Life Coach who sees individuals and couples in West Bloomfield, Michigan.  Dr. Sills can be reached during normal business hours at (248) 788-4230.  See her website at:  www.DrLSills.com for more information about her practice.  We want to know, “What’s on Your Mind?”

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Life is Like A Rock Tumbler –quote by Laurel Sills, Psy.D.

September 23rd, 2009 by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D., Licensed Psychologist/Life Coach

All of us go through life and hit a few walls, get bruised and roughed up a bit here and there. We brush ourselves off and get back up to keep going forward.

I was telling a client that we often do this and end up coming out smoother and shinier; like rocks in the rock tumbler coming out like gems!

Rocks go in with rough edges, dull spots, interesting looks and all the same materials they come out with before getting polished. We all have the ability to turn ourselves into the most gorgeous unique gems we can become. The long process of tumbling takes the edges off and makes us smoother and more sparkling.

Life is full of lessons, often painful, but useful for us in life’s journey. As we awaken to what is, and can accept life on its terms, we see things for the first time that may have been obvious to others but not apparant to us.

None of us ought to feel “stupid” for being spiritual beings going through a human process. It is human to error, to fall, get bruised and heal from our setbacks. We learn. We get stronger, more loving, more understanding, more empathic as we learn to stop judging, stop expecting, become humble, and recognize that, no matter what education, what income, what background, we are all equal in the world of spirituality.

We are all vulnerable to the exaggerations of emotions. We learn self-compassion and then are able to be compassionate to others. As long as we go through life rough, defensive, reactive, and edgy, we will snag others.

Defensiveness comes out of fear of danger. It relates to a feeling we are going to get hurt. It may not be realistic at all yet we react like we are about to get devoured.

For many of us, it takes years to recognize that early hurts we did not ask for, deserve, or understand caused us to expect hurt from innocuous people, places or events later on. We learn to discriminate the need to defend against real dangers from emotional triggers that are associated with old memories. We learn to stop personalizing, start accepting and building bridges and connection through understanding, taking responsibility for our own issues and mending our own ways of relating that keep causing us to fall.

Rocks are beautiful. Each has its own uniqueness. Every one of us has the potential to polish ourselves or stay in the raw. It is a choice we make. No matter what, life itself will change us and affect us; rounding out some edges, creating cracks, Looking at our selves with absolute honesty and courage is the rock tumbler of human experience.

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True Love is Cautious and Spiritual

July 24th, 2009 by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D., Licensed Psychologist/Life Coach

While falling in love feels fantastically exciting and tickles our hearts and insides, it is often fueled by only one type of energy–attraction and hormones.  Certainly, for any romantic love to work, we absolutely need attraction.  As we get older and know ourselves better and longer, we know inside whether or not someone we are attracted to really fits with our deepest values, goals and needs.  When we are driven by neediness or loneliness or hormonal zest and attraction, we may compromise or inner wisdom of knowing our Self by settling for someone who will never work out for us in the long run.

By the time we are in our thirties, forties, fifties, and older, we have had lots of pain, lots of loss and lots of life experiences.  If we have been sober, alive, aware, and tuned in, we will know what we truly need to fulfill our soul.  Often, it is harder and harder to meet people as we settle into our daily routines.  In our world today, more of us get isolated with work, home offices, family needs and are not looking to run to the bar or singles’ events to meet folks.  The dearth of available folks can make many folks “settle” for companionship and sex in a new mate, rather than let go, stay alone and only accept someone who really matches our deepest desires on a more spiritual path of selfless, fulfilling, meaningful love.

Along the journey of dating and mating, too often we discard people in reactivity out of fear.  We fear getting hurt, making a mistake, and often react to small things in a personalized was as if we are purposely being attacked and hurt by our mates.  Typically, when we are reacting strongly to something that our mates feel seems like an overreaction, our reaction is padded with fear of reliving pain that occured in our past.  Reactions of anger, rage, jealousy, competion are coming out of a self that is not our true best self.  Instead, it is the self that is unhealed from past wounding and our ugly reactions are the pseudo-self we have created to “protect” us from experiencing that again.

This psuedo-self is much like the protective quills of a porcupine.  We put them out to look mean, to hurt others, to keep a distance and they are sharp and hurtful.  The porcupine is a nice animal, but when afraid or feeling threatened, can be horrid to others trying to get near.  When we come from a feeling of lack, deep unmet needs, hurt and not compassion and love for others and our selves, we are more likely to interpret all of our relationships in terms of filling us up.  When we get in relationships to fill ourselves up, it is likely an unhealthy love–a selfish one. 

Understandable as it is, this love will burn out.  When we find someone we are attracted to and assess whether or not they have similar deep values, are honest, caring, warm, reliable, sober, self-aware, giving, and willing to apologize an recognize their own shortcomings, we have found a great mate.  All of us have shortcomings.  We all fall into reactivity towards needs that are unmet at times.  If we can truly be in a relationship where we love the other and accept where they are and respect them in that space, can not personalize it when they are unable to meet our needs and respect they have their own needs, we are on our way to loving another on a healthy spiritual path.

Unselfish love may seem foreign to many with backgrounds of pain, neglect, boundary violations, abuse–and often the abuse they have experienced was not intentionally directed at them, but results from parents that are more wounded and blind than they know.  As we mature and understand this, we can heal our pain and view the world with more loving, tender, giving eyes.  We can let go of people who are not working on the same spiritual path of unselfishly loving.  We can let go of the folks who lag too far behind us on the path to have a healthy relationship with us now.  We can be patient and see if our mates can hear us and grow and learn.  Most of us can if we choose that.  And, we can part with the gracefulness of a monarch butterfly with peace instead of animosity.

A true loving relationship waits and sees.  It is patient.  It comes out of many experiences and challenges where there is time to see how each mate handles pain, frustration, unmet needs.  When each mate is capable of recognizing that today’s issues change often, feelings are never static and can take the perspective of all the important people in our mate’s life as well as our own needs, we are truly in a place of loving.

Falling in love has no control.  It is exhilarating like jumping out of an airplane does to some.  Yet, the landing can be hazardous.  Staying committed to the process of growing together and experiencing the now with all that encompasses creates a foundation of knowlege and experience that true love needs.  The pillars of strength come from building this foundation together over time and giving ourselves and our mates and their families time to evolve.  While it is so easy to demand things, react to unmet needs and expect our mates to want to fill us up, this is selfiish need, not spiritual love.

So, be careful in you filtering process.  Know your true values and desires for the type of relationship you seek.  Work hard to be the person you seek.  As you work continuously to be the very person you seek out, you will attract a mate of similar energy and power.  Love that is real is compassionate, understanding, patient; not coercive, nagging, pushing and pulling.  And, there is room for that kind of expectation and behavior to change if each person is willing to point out to the other when they feel that way.   If we can articulate our reactions, see them for what they are and separate out our stories and interpretations from unmet needs of the past from today’s unintentional hurts, we are well on our way.  As we work with our mate as a team and hold onto our humor, self-awareness, the ability to apologize and see things from a more loving heart becomes much more accessible and easy. Love that last does develop over time.  We cannot force the seeds to flourish and metamorphosize into flowers.  We nurture them, give them what they need and wait patiently to see what develops. 

The growing pains are fabulous when the outcome is so beautiful!

Best,

Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D.

Licensed Psychologist, Path Journier, Growth Seeker

www.DrLSills.com or www.BuildAStrongerYou.com

(248) 788-4230

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After the Affair

July 7th, 2006 by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D., Licensed Psychologist/Life Coach

One of the most devastating times in a marriage is when one partner learns that the other partner has had or is having an affair. Affairs drive people to enter psychotherapy, to get a divorce, to become aggressive and vindictive, to become depressed or suicidal, or to go into emotional and/or physical crises.

Whether you believe it or not, most affairs are not the result of one “bad” partner acting out to “have their cake and eat it, too”. Typically, there are marital problems of communication and intimacy that are present long before the affair takes place. The exception is someone with a history of acting out and not being committed to an intimate relationship even before one gets married. (People do not change behaviors just because they get a marriage license.) Drifting emotional and sexual intimacy typically occur before one partner goes out of the marriage to find these missing ingredients. This is not to suggest that the partner who keeps fidelity is at fault.

Both partners tend to ignore signs of problems for a while before the affair happens. Often, one partner deals with stress by minimizing, avoiding, and denying. If there are changes in a relationship where the other partner is noticeably distant, lacking interest in sex, not wanting to talk about feelings and problems, going to bed early, changing work hours and staying away longer, there is often a problem. Neither partner talks about these changes. Both make excuses for them rather than face them. Both partners typically overtly or covertly allow the demise of their own healthy communication. They stop sharing feelings and fears and don’t problem-solve in a complimentary way. All people involved in the affair contribute to a degree. Simply blaming the person acting out is not a very mature or realistic way to look at a marital affair.

Many couples fear rocking the boat by confronting problems. This lack of talking about what is bothering either partner only increases the chances of one partner taking the problems to an outside party. All affairs could be avoided if even the most painful topics are talked about for the love of the relationship. Love may still be there, but not a desire for physical or emotional intimacy. Ironically, one person fears hurting the other by saying what is causing distance, but they are willing to risk hurting their partner far worse by having an affair. The cost of this affair is guilt, hurt to one’s partner, children, extended family and friends, and potential dissolution of the marriage.

Affairs feel exciting. They are new. They provide a high. They are an escape. They give one person what is missing from their marriage. But, the affair is a false picture of reality. Most often, the affair relationship is on borrowed time. It is not a day-to-day intimate relationship that includes problem solving and commitment. It is a pseudo-safe place for pseudo-intimacy. It temporarily provides the needed attention, excitement and changes to a partner who is bored, afraid, hurt, lonely and afraid to deal with the reality in his or her primary relationship. When caught, the marriage will go into major crisis. It either will begin to repair itself (typically with professional help), or it will die.

As with any major crisis, there is the potential for great opportunity. The Chinese Yin and Yang is the symbol for crisis and opportunity. It may not be readily apparent, but there is a chance to grow both personally and as a couple as a result of the affair. Affairs force denial to end. They force the couple to look at the source of the problems that led to the affair.

If a couple can talk openly about what led the person to act out, they can begin to heal. This must be done without blame. Certainly, the person acting out had a chance to say what he or she was unhappy about in the relationship before acting out. If this did not occur, there was no way for the other partner to work on making changes in the relationship.

Oftentimes, those couples who still love one another and want to stay married can overcome the pain of the affair and regain trust. This process is very painful and difficult, but can be done. Honestly appraising how each partner contributed to the emotional distance in the relationship is the first step in getting closer. Looking at family of origin issues as they affect each partner’s ability to communicate intimately is another step. Being totally honest and expressing feelings in a respectful way is vital in the rebuilding and repairing process. Both partners must listen to the pain and the hurt that the other partner feels and felt in the past. This process takes a long time and may feel like a roller coaster of emotions at first.

The affair must end for any potential marital repair. No marriage has a chance if one person continues to siphon energy from the marital relationship to an outside party. This will not be easy for the one involved to let go of the outside party. It involves grieving the loss of the friend, lover, and emotional connection. This is a choice that must be made if one wants their marriage to work. The marital couple learns to be friends. They learn to hear each other’s pain, hurts, needs, struggles, and dreams. They learn that the affair is not necessarily an indication of one person’s inadequacies. They learn to be strong as individuals, not just as a partner in a relationship.

Take your marriage to therapy before you act out. This is much easier than repairing broken trust after an affair. If it is too late, tell the truth and get help with the fallout. It could be the beginning of a better relationship for both of you together. I have seen many couples work through an affair successfully. It is possible to learn more about yourselves as people and grow closer as a couple as a result of understanding what happened and why. Be honest. Be courageous. Know that the consequence of your affair may risk the loss of your marriage whether you tell your spouse or someone else does. You need not lose all your integrity just because you had an affair.

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Accepting Our Changing Selves

July 7th, 2006 by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D., Licensed Psychologist/Life Coach

Last week, I spoke to a group of women at the Maisel Center for Women’s health on this very topic. The women were all middle-aged, from about ages 30- to 60; some were professionals, others were homemakers. Each of the women seemed to be renewed as I made points that hit home for them to contemplate about the way they view themselves.

Especially for women, the period of life from ages 30 to 60 years old is a time of growth, renaissance, confidence building, and self-exploration. With careers settled or kids in school, there is more time for looking inward and reflecting upon what we really want.

This is a great time of coming into one’s own for all people; even more so for women who have been so programmed to focus their attentions upon nurturing others, not ourselves.

While some men and women focus on the loses of their prior “svelt” selves, their unwrinkled skin, their flat stomachs, their smooth bodies unwrought with cellulite, their high energy levels, their perfect memories, others choose to focus their attention on fulfilling long-forgotten dreams, seeking out new adventures, and taking risks to stretch themselves in the face of aging. They chose not to panic in the face of aging and declining looks, but instead use midlife as a wake-up call to face challenges, make the best of today and tomorrow and find deeper meaning in their lives. To these people, I solute you—for this is the way to true acceptance and happiness.

Women struggle most with changes in their appearances mainly because we have been programmed through the years by society and the media to look a certain way, to be young, blonde, perky, and look like Cindy Crawford. The reality is that most movie stars and models are either airbrushed in their photos, have personal trainers and cooks to keep them in the best of shape, or spend thousands of dollars in plastic surgery bills to keep appearing young and glamorous. This obsession is unhealthy and unbalanced as evidenced by the rampant divorce rates among the “rich and famous” and by the high rates of eating disorders among models.

Women have to overcome and rise above any brainwashing attempts and learn to accept ourselves for who we are as souls, not for our looks, our bodies or our abilities. We have to eradicate the inner critic that makes us too self-conscious to walk out of the house without make-up on, or without being dressed to the nines, or to speak up assertively to protect our rights for even the simplest things.

The only way to truly love our selves and to have strong self-esteem is to fully accept our selves. In so doing, we have to know our selves. The only way to truly know one self is to have the quiet time to face feelings, thoughts and conflicts that make our lives out of balance or in conflict. Once we can quietly reflect upon our inner feelings, we can start to live our lives congruently. We cannot do what we believe in if we don’t take the time to really know what we feel or want in life. Once we do know ourselves, we can be our true self. Doing what we like and believe in and feel good doing is what keeps our spirit alive and young at heart.

Ralph Waldo Emerson highlights the importance of being our own person in his work called, ” Self-reliance ” when her wrote:

“It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.”

We have to listen to ourselves more than to the opinions of others to walk our own walk in life. We need to trust our own decisions and judgment as long as what we do in life does not directly or intentionally hurt another. Finally, if we believe that we are special, loveable, and worthy just for being our true selves, we will be much better at accepting ourselves, and at accepting others, too.

Accepting our changing selves requires feeling prepared to accept whatever comes our way. It requires being able to adapt and be flexible. It requires facing truth. It requires seeing the good in the present and not comparing today with yesterday. If we view crises as opportunities, each pain as one of life’s lessons, take risks to try new things, keep playing, and let go of regrets, we will learn to love ourselves for who we are and we will accept our changing selves.

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