Vacant Relationships |
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| “I can’t live with him, but I am crazy without him.” “I love her, but hate her at the same time.” “We get close and he runs away.” “She says one day she’ll let her guard down and let me in.” Have you said these kinds of statements? Do you hang onto relationships long after they have proven to not be right for you? | ||
| Chasing the allusive butterfly may be challenging and fun at first, but is it really helping you reap the rewards of true intimacy? Do you really want intimacy if you are spending your time with someone who keeps pushing you or your feelings away? If you are not feeling good about yourself in the presence of an intimate partner most of the time, than you are not in a relationship that is matched for you. This does not mean that your partner has all the problems, but may mean you are not ready for the level of intimacy and disclosure a real relationship requires. Or, maybe you are able to discuss your wants and needs to most people, but your partner wants no part of that. | ||
| There are always reasons why we are drawn to the ones we like. Superficially, there is attraction, chemistry, financial stability, commonalties, and lifestyle. More importantly for long-lasting love, there is matched ability to share feelings, to listen, to resolve hurts and anger, and to tolerate the process of working through conflict. | ||
| Many people dislike negativity, inconvenience, or heavy talks in the midst of their own stressful day. But these very people who push away these negative feelings cannot help but push away all feelings. The intense, intimate feelings that connect us often come as a result of resolving differences, negotiating compromises and growing together as a result of gaining more understanding of one another. If your mate does not want anything to do with this process, what is the point of being involved? | ||
| Relationships based on going places, having fun together and playing are wonderful as long as there is also an emotional connection. If the relationship is only as deep as the fun one has doing things, what happens when you can no longer do? What happens in poor health or finances when we cannot just keep doing? Without an ability to really know how we feel with one another or towards one another or others, there is a major emotional void. Emptiness can lead to bitterness, resentment, and self-doubt over time. | ||
| If you are feeling bitter, resentful, doubtful of your right to feel your own feelings and disconnected in your relationship, then your relationship may be in serious trouble. Most likely, it is NOT your imagination causing you to feel this way. Instead, you are likely seeing the truth of the vacancy that has been there for a long time. If you cannot advance your relationship to a higher plane with your partner alone, try getting therapy or pastoral counseling. If that does not work, maybe it is time you exit the relationship and learn more about your own needs. | ||
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This article was written by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, a Fully Licensed Clinical Psychologist (since 1987) and Life Coach. She provides direct, down-to-earth, short-term therapy with long-term results. She is passionate in her work and will help you stay motivated to change your life with regular commitment to changing habits in thinking and behaving. See her website at: www.DrLSills.com or www.BuildAStrongerYou.com |
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Copyright 2006© Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D. All rights reserved Back to Articles |