Carrying Out Four Agreements

  
  

By
Dr. Laurel A. Sills

  
 

 

 
   In his book of Toltec Wisdom called, The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz writes about living a life of awareness to gain joy and personal freedom from suffering. Simply stated, if we follow these four agreements, our lives would transform. Don Miguel Ruiz teaches that living a life of love by adhering to these four principals will teach us to feel God in ourselves. When this occurs, we will feel great peace and joy.   
      
  The Four Agreements he speaks of are as follows: 1) Be Impeccable With Your Word; 2) Don’t Take Anything Personally; 3) Don’t Make Assumptions; and 4) Always Do Your Best. Ruiz says that we need to speak with integrity and never use words to speak against others or ourselves. We should speak in the direction of truth for ourselves and in love. We are not to own anything that others do. If we do not personalize what others do, we become immune to needless suffering. Never assume anything. Ask questions when unsure and make sure that what you say is taken as how you meant it. Do everything to prevent misunderstandings. Finally, when we do our best at every moment despite anything that impinges on us, we can be pleased with what we are doing and avoid being self-critical.  
      
  He speaks of a “fog” that we all have that impedes feeling this sense of peace. This fog colors our beliefs and thus interferes with our ability to follow the four agreements without taking on the role of Judge or Victim. This fog is shaped starting in childhood by the “truths” we accept about ourselves from adults in our lives with whom we must agree. These “truths” make up what Ruiz calls, “The Book of Law.” We end up believing certain “truths” that are passed down from generation to generation whether they are accurate or not. We adhere to these beliefs to be rewarded by pleasing others or by feeling accepted. And, if we step away from these “truths” to follow our own inner gut feeling that there is a different “truth” then our inner critic or Judge kicks in to create enormous fear, guilt and shame. As a result, the Victim comes in to make us suffer pain and punishment for not being good enough.   
      
  This fog that he speaks about is what is typically explored, depicted, illuminated and extricated in therapy. The fog is the basis for low self-esteem, self-doubt, and difficulties trusting one’s own gut. It is the source for making bad choices and pursuing self-sabotaging behaviors. It is the cause of guilt, shame, blame and drama.  
      
  For example, our parents are just people with their own unresolved issues and good intentions. In their attempt to do their best and teach us right from wrong, they will unknowingly pass down certain beliefs and behaviors that won’t be healthy for us. The degree of healthy “truths” they teach us depends upon the strength and size of their own Victim and Judge roles. If we grow up feeling blamed for hurting our parents feelings and are made to feel extremely guilty for making normal mistakes, we will likely personalize many things, feel guilty, feel negative, talk badly about ourselves and assume that others do not like us. If we are shamed doing certain things, we may lose our motivation to do our best for fear that our best won’t be good enough. Thus, we may underachieve to protect ourselves from being judged harshly for our true ability. Beliefs we grew up with, as faulty as many of them are, shape our beliefs and behaviors today and can interfere with attaining true happiness and peace. 
 		 
      
  Through therapy, many long-held negative beliefs can be spotlighted. Under the spotlight, it is easier to become continuously aware of these unhealthy beliefs that negatively influence our esteem and behaviors. At first, trying to change these beliefs is scary. It will feel like a betrayal of love against your parents and a part of yourself. But, as we follow our own truths and feel how they are more congruent with our own inner sense of peace and freedom, we will move towards a higher level of functioning and joy in life. Only through learning to love and accept ourselves can we truly love and accept others. And only when we do both can we experience true happiness.  
      
Ruiz concludes his book with a choice for us to choose to have a destiny of suffering or one of love and happiness. He says that, as difficult as it is to rid ourselves from the roles of the familiar inner critic Judge and suffering Victim, we can free ourselves from the grip of these parasites on ourselves and experience true love and bliss. I believe that during our journey of learning to self-love, we do more clearly see these parasites, recognize from where they originated and find a way to free us from their infestation and deleterious effects. As we journey on this path, we can look back and see where we used to be, where we used to function, and how these old parasitic beliefs held us back from the true loving people we were meant to be.
      
  
This article was written by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, a Fully Licensed Clinical Psychologist (since 1987) and Life Coach. She provides direct, down-to-earth, short-term therapy with long-term results. She is passionate in her work and will help you stay motivated to change your life with regular commitment to changing habits in thinking and behaving. See her website at: www.DrLSills.com or www.BuildAStrongerYou.com 		 
Copyright 2006© Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D.
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