Be Selective When You Confide |
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| A woman recently asked me, “When is it not a good idea to share your problems with people?” She was really asking about trust, emotional safety, and how to determine what time and with whom it is okay to share one’s pain. | ||
| The first and most obvious answer is, “with someone you trust”. Unfortunately, for many of us, there will be times when we make mistakes in our judgment. Some of the people we trust will share our story with others and breach our privacy. These people are not necessarily irresponsible or vindictive. They may mean well by telling one or two select others about your “secret” with the intention of caring and helping you. | ||
| For instance, a person who is being abused verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually may tell a friend or family member about their circumstance. A caring person may tell others who may provide support and leverage for the abused person to leave. On the other hand, there may be people who just cannot stop themselves from telling a good story even at your expense. We all live and learn. You may be disappointed when this happens. Don’t beat yourself up emotionally for making an error. Just do not talk to that person again about very private matters. Recognize their limitations. | ||
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In my lectures and sessions, I often talk about the theme, “Don’t milk a stone cow!” It is important that you not only trust the person you choose to be your confidant, but also feel that they can understand and validate your feelings. No one wants to talk to a person who cannot take your perspective and make you feel okay for having your own reactions and feelings. This does not mean that they have to agree with you. If you do not have a listener who can start out by saying, “I can see why you may feel like that”, it will be hard to go further. A stone cow may look like a cow that could provide you with milk, but no matter how many times you approach it for milk, you will not get milk. In this scenario, you can walk away pulling at your hair with frustration and wonder what’s wrong with you that this cow chose not to give you milk. Or, you can say, “Oh, how silly of me…I did not recognize that this is not a REAL cow and it CANNOT give me or anyone else milk!” |
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| So, it is clear that you need to trust a person, feel that they have the ability to be understanding and neutral; giving advice and recommendations only when asked. It is also important for you to have good timing when looking for support. It is not likely that you will get the support or attention you deserve if you were to approach a person when they are stressed out, preoccupied with other matters, in the middle of talking with others, tired, drunk, drugged, or sick. You may have chosen a good person to confide in, but they are just not in a position to respond to you at that moment. Make a date to talk to that person privately when they are able to give you their full attention. | ||
| Finally, there are times when you may want to steer clear of relatives. For instance, after you and your spouse, child, or significant other get into significant problems, which may truly get resolved, your relatives may not forget about it. Since they have ongoing contact with this person, they may behave differently as a result of your disclosure. Relatives may be very protective and unforgiving. This is not always negative, especially in the case of abuse, but you need to decide if you are willing to tolerate their reactions. If not, it may be better to confide in a friend who would not have much contact with this person, or with a therapist. | ||
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Finally, think about someone that you do trust. Ask yourself, “What is it about this person that makes me feel comfortable talking to them about painful,
private issues?” The answer you come up with should be your guide to finding others whom you can trust. Just remember, “Don’t milk a stone cow”. |
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This article was written by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, a Fully Licensed Clinical Psychologist (since 1987) and Life Coach. She provides direct, down-to-earth, short-term therapy with long-term results. She is passionate in her work and will help you stay motivated to change your life with regular commitment to changing habits in thinking and behaving. See her website at: www.DrLSills.com or www.BuildAStrongerYou.com |
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Copyright 2006© Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D. All rights reserved Back to Articles |