After the Affair |
||
|
By |
||
|
|
||
| One of the most devastating times in a marriage is when one partner learns that the other partner has had or is having an affair. Affairs drive people to enter psychotherapy, to get a divorce, to become aggressive and vindictive, to become depressed or suicidal, or to go into emotional and/or physical crises. | ||
| Whether you believe it or not, most affairs are not the result of one “bad” partner acting out to “have their cake and eat it, too”. Typically, there are marital problems of communication and intimacy that are present long before the affair takes place. The exception is someone with a history of acting out and not being committed to an intimate relationship even before one gets married. (People do not change behaviors just because they get a marriage license.) Drifting emotional and sexual intimacy typically occur before one partner goes out of the marriage to find these missing ingredients. This is not to suggest that the partner who keeps fidelity is at fault. | ||
| Both partners tend to ignore signs of problems for a while before the affair happens. Often, one partner deals with stress by minimizing, avoiding, and denying. If there are changes in a relationship where the other partner is noticeably distant, lacking interest in sex, not wanting to talk about feelings and problems, going to bed early, changing work hours and staying away longer, there is often a problem. Neither partner talks about these changes. Both make excuses for them rather than face them. Both partners typically overtly or covertly allow the demise of their own healthy communication. They stop sharing feelings and fears and don’t problem-solve in a complimentary way. All people involved in the affair contribute to a degree. Simply blaming the person acting out is not a very mature or realistic way to look at a marital affair. | ||
| Many couples fear rocking the boat by confronting problems. This lack of talking about what is bothering either partner only increases the chances of one partner taking the problems to an outside party. All affairs could be avoided if even the most painful topics are talked about for the love of the relationship. Love may still be there, but not a desire for physical or emotional intimacy. Ironically, one person fears hurting the other by saying what is causing distance, but they are willing to risk hurting their partner far worse by having an affair. The cost of this affair is guilt, hurt to one’s partner, children, extended family and friends, and potential dissolution of the marriage. | ||
| Affairs feel exciting. They are new. They provide a high. They are an escape. They give one person what is missing from their marriage. But, the affair is a false picture of reality. Most often, the affair relationship is on borrowed time. It is not a day-to-day intimate relationship that includes problem solving and commitment. It is a pseudo-safe place for pseudo-intimacy. It temporarily provides the needed attention, excitement and changes to a partner who is bored, afraid, hurt, lonely and afraid to deal with the reality in his or her primary relationship. When caught, the marriage will go into major crisis. It either will begin to repair itself (typically with professional help), or it will die. | ||
| As with any major crisis, there is the potential for great opportunity. The Chinese Yin and Yang is the symbol for crisis and opportunity. It may not be readily apparent, but there is a chance to grow both personally and as a couple as a result of the affair. Affairs force denial to end. They force the couple to look at the source of the problems that led to the affair. | ||
| If a couple can talk openly about what led the person to act out, they can begin to heal. This must be done without blame. Certainly, the person acting out had a chance to say what he or she was unhappy about in the relationship before acting out. If this did not occur, there was no way for the other partner to work on making changes in the relationship. | ||
| Oftentimes, those couples who still love one another and want to stay married can overcome the pain of the affair and regain trust. This process is very painful and difficult, but can be done. Honestly appraising how each partner contributed to the emotional distance in the relationship is the first step in getting closer. Looking at family of origin issues as they affect each partner’s ability to communicate intimately is another step. Being totally honest and expressing feelings in a respectful way is vital in the rebuilding and repairing process. Both partners must listen to the pain and the hurt that the other partner feels and felt in the past. This process takes a long time and may feel like a roller coaster of emotions at first. | ||
| The affair must end for any potential marital repair. No marriage has a chance if one person continues to siphon energy from the marital relationship to an outside party. This will not be easy for the one involved to let go of the outside party. It involves grieving the loss of the friend, lover, and emotional connection. This is a choice that must be made if one wants their marriage to work. The marital couple learns to be friends. They learn to hear each other’s pain, hurts, needs, struggles, and dreams. They learn that the affair is not necessarily an indication of one person’s inadequacies. They learn to be strong as individuals, not just as a partner in a relationship. | ||
| Take your marriage to therapy before you act out. This is much easier than repairing broken trust after an affair. If it is too late, tell the truth and get help with the fallout. It could be the beginning of a better relationship for both of you together. I have seen many couples work through an affair successfully. It is possible to learn more about yourselves as people and grow closer as a couple as a result of understanding what happened and why. Be honest. Be courageous. Know that the consequence of your affair may risk the loss of your marriage whether you tell your spouse or someone else does. You need not lose all your integrity just because you had an affair. | ||
|
This article was written by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, a Fully Licensed Clinical Psychologist (since 1987) and Life Coach. She provides direct, down-to-earth, short-term therapy with long-term results. She is passionate in her work and will help you stay motivated to change your life with regular commitment to changing habits in thinking and behaving. See her website at: www.DrLSills.com or www.BuildAStrongerYou.com |
||
|
Copyright 2006© Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D. All rights reserved Back to Articles |